We are strange creatures and let's not cover ourselves under the countless blankets of denial here. We are truly very strange.

The construct of every individual beings and the purpose of their destiny is as complex to me as algebra in secondary school. Well i fail my maths and i wonder if those universities algebra is even more complex. I shall wait to be standing in correction.

I have an occupational hazard with an occupation that those not exist and as hazardrous as it is disasterous. I always wonder why i place my heart on my sleeves knowing that i have always knew why i place it there to rot and be hammered with. I don't even know why i need to wonder. But i'm stubborn. The worst part is that my stubborness came from nothing and it is in nothing that affect so many things in my life.

In beliefs and principals i had alot. If they were categorize from A to Z, i would have "A to Z". And if in psychology, "A to Z" would be stated as a dichotomy. I would have "A to Z" the negative, the positive, the in betweens, the upside down, the inside out and whatever.

My principals is this, if you are able you are able. If you are able, there must not be any reason that you can go to being disable. But if you are disable and there's an oppurtunity of will do be able that i salute you.

I shall continue tomorrow, got to punch out now.

As much as i love nature and for nature to take it's course but there's always this urgent reminder inside of me that time waits for no man. I've always advocate the principle that limitation is a dangerous plaque in our minds. We have done so for safety and survival, to seek comfort in it. In the "real" world with this principle at hand a "normal" man of a logical mind wouldn't think so for because of status, money and power i had never been able to sustain in abundance and therefore I'm limited.

With that say, i believe that i don't belong to the category of the "real" world nor do i belong to the category of a "normal" man. For the control of the mind has always been the "real" and the "normal" to me. Not status, money or power. In doing so i believe that this powerful feeling call regret will be lessen in any man's future. For if they had did what they have always wanted to do, say or feel in a responsible and conscious manner, it will heighten the sense of bliss when the day their journey in this world has ended. Not the amount of money you have in your bank account, how powerful you are or how high you've climb up the ladder. If what you have limits the soul of other people or yourself it's better not worth having.

But doing so and thinking so, i sometimes feel that I've limited myself just by holding the beacon flashing "Don't limit yourself! Don't limit yourself! Don't limit yourself!":at people's face. Well i can do it subtly sometimes but than again time has never been on our side. Limiting myself to limitation isn't that a limitation in itself?

I've wonder, gone nuts, apologize and apologize again to countless of people that is very close to me. For to me, they are the one who has to endure the bombardment of my beacon time and time again. For i love them so much, too much. So say it works, so say it doesn't, i don't care cause i care too much. I may be the only one in your world that is willing to eradicate a few of your limitations rather than none trying at all or there may be many. But in doing so i feel that i expect a certain kind of results and that limits me and that the purpose for this entry is to show you that I'm very much a human after all.

I should just stop taking on people's burden and be one of the "normal" man. For i have given up. It hurts people and i don't like that feeling to know and know for a fact that I've caused it. It's mentally draining for so many people and i should do them a favor and just shut up and don't think too much. I've have always been the way i am so that you will never regret living your life the way it is, i have this sense of responsibility to train you before your physical life cease it's course, that if i am in your world i will do all i can even after i leave. But i know now that to some, the biggest regret is that they have let me into their world. And i am sorry. The vision of a warrior turning to see his village burn down. Now i know what it meant. I am an extreme. A sleep deprivation and position of sleep may not be something to blow up about. Stop complaining may be something to be agitated about. Don't think of the pain and stop saying i can't do it may be something totally insensible to even contemplate. I will do all a favor and extinguish this beacon. It has no longer serve it's cause. So too my mind.

let it be and you shall see what i see
turn around only to put it on snooze
smile not with words that you type
cry when it rains on sunset avenue

it can't be describe
so let it be
it'll let us feel
and we shall be free
remember this please

"COURAGE"

"That is what i call a smirk on my face"

"Enigma"

"Too much information up here man"

"Lollipop anyone?"

"Damn those boogers"

"Hee"

A samurai met a zen master and ask him, "Is there such as heaven and hell?"
In which the zen master replied "WHO ARE YOU?!"
"I am a samurai" he says.
"You?! A samurai?! Hahaha. You look no ordinary than a begger in the streets" the zen master shouted.
Fill with rage and anger by the zen master lack of respect for a samurai, he instantly went for his sword.
Seeing that the samurai was about to kill him with his sword, the zen master says calmly, "Here lies the gates of hell"
Understanding what the zen master meant, the samurai than drop his sword and bow on his knees.
Looking up at the zen master, the samurai says with tears in his eyes, "Here lies the gate of heaven"

"we have constantly and consistently misinterpret forcing our own interpretation of an interpretation that has already been govern by the law of nature"

the jabbawockeez dance crew are simply too tight...one of the best i've ever seen

if this is going to be the future, i'm going to get myself some popcorns. if they haven't wipe it out yet of course

not in a million years would i have thought that the "given" will show up in this way. that glimpse was all that i was looking for. my breath was taken away for a moment, blood starts to flow in directions akin to those of children's running around a nursery during playtime, goose bumps started to give birth to new goose bumps, however impossible that may be.

a given to what i know is something in life that will supersede every notion of knowledge which to some "a higher order" of things, a profound experience beyond dualism shown to oneself at the right of time, at the right of space and the right of mind, body and soul. now i might be wrong, but what I've felt was so overwhelming it was too surreal to be untrue. it was so true, i didn't even want it to be touch by labels and meanings. even truth can't be put into it.

it was a very nice feeling and i must thank you so much.

form and essence are two very different things. one is something that can be touch, seen and smell whereas the other is the creator on the meanings to what you touch, see and smell. essence is that spark in your engine that ignites the form which is obviously the car.

now money is a form. there's two kind of essence that will come into play here. why do i need money and who am i after i get the money. but without money, how? can you still get the things that you want to get? money is not evil, man who wants money as a shortcut to everything else is! but remember the equation is not that man is evil. so please don't think otherwise.

love is not totally a form but it is evident to most the symbols of love. and most people, they are not in love with the person but they are in love with the symbols. the essence of love is very important and in human nature we have the need to explain in detail what everything means. but the essence of love can't be explain. how to balance on a bike can't be explain, how to float on water can't be explain, how to do a 780 degrees kick flip on a skateboard can't be explain. love is an experience, it's a process of being with one another. it IS developing, mutating, morphing and the bliss of deep love for one another. if "days of our lives" has an episode on deep love. not only the viewers but the actors themselves will fall asleep!

happiness. form? the things that you always wanted. but funny how that kind of happiness won't last. so whats happiness? think about it. obviously everyone has been in the presence of happiness be it externally or internally. so imagine that sensation. you're so happy that when a bulldozer crush your leg you feel like hugging the driver. well happiness is something that puts a smile in your face, if you want it than don't complain to me that your mouth starts to cramp. so whats the essence of happiness. what is that? how to be happy forever? till eternity and infinity. well ask love. though you might not grasp the answer. cause u need to explain too much.

look at your essence my friends. though you may have form in abundance, an empty shell worth nothing, it's weight in heaven.

things are the same nothing much has change, well things has happen but not to what my ultimate want is. which is obviously to get married, have kids, a girl name oi and a boy name eh, have a decent roof to stay under,nestum for breakfast, one plain prata for lunch and two cheese prata for dinner plus the occasional supper.

"what nonsence" dizzy exclaim.

enough about what i want. but what do you want? really i want to know. please tell me. call me at 1800-I-Want-Something, if you want the following of course?

-Money for security, enough to make you many enemies which than maybe you'll end up insecure yourself. eeeee money is so evil lor.

-Fame for attention, enough to make your every movement and uncall for emotions a great topic for the masses? you'll probably wish you were in a deserted island by now, away from all that crap or maybe someone is watching you taking that crap?

-happiness for that fuzzy feeling of aliveness, so happy that you forget about others? for happiness is a comfort zone that you refuse to leave behind thinking that what's out of that is ultimate sadness and you might meet alot of nay sayers on what is there to be happy about and you too will probably end up frustrated. so frustrated that you end up happily frustrated. wow what a trap.

-how about ermm. oh this is a good want. Love!!!! WOOOOO sensitive topic!!! anyway love for that companionship, for that guy or girl to buy you this certain gift which you'll ultimately be pleasently surprise and which you'll ultimately throw away after your dog have a go at it or something like that. love for that sobbing times when you need a shoulder to dump your mucus on, which inevetibly you'll might end up weaker than before for shoulders are sometimes busy and they need to work to buy food for their kids. don't know where to go to dump your mucus on? how about giving me a call? i'll tell you..and don't worry it's on the house.

now your wants might all look very nice and all that. but do you really know what you want. wants is like an item you wanna buy in a grocery shop and if you look at it like a grocery than you'll know what i mean. cause if you look at it otherwise, you might end up like most kids out there. depress for not getting what they want, and what they didnt realise was that they didnt know what they want in the first place. take for example a conversation between ali murray and paul mohan:

A.M: hey you lagging lah dude
P.M: fuck you why sial?
A.M: don't you know it's damn cool can to be seen eating an APPLE(ipod)in the streets nowadays?
P.M: oh thats why i see you with an apple everyday, where can i get it? expensive or not?
A.M: (points at the nearest grocery store) $200 bucks
P.M: WHAT!
A.M: (points at the nearest grocery store again) if you can get it by this week it might be cheaper.

*at home

P.M: I want an apple
Money supplier name MOM: okay how much
P.M: 200 can
MSN, MOM: can

*at the grocery shop

P.M: one apple please
+: 200 bucks please
P.M: nah give you
+: thanks

*with AM at town

P.M: (munching an apple)
A.M: (munching an apple)
A.M and P.M: (we are so cool)

a group of cool kids walks pass with a pear (dkny comb)

P.M: lets get that (while throwing a half eaten apple to the ground)
A.M: lets

it's like grocery. you get something and if it's not what you want than don't be sad. look for it again. if you have to walk half of this world than do so. life is the experience it gives, the bi-product is not important. life is. don't you get it?

this guy is pure entertainment

let me tell you a story. once told by a conscious man.

a war broke out between two cities in a holy state. the antagonist city demand that revenge is the only tool to make things right. to uphold it's value they decided to go to war with the neighbouring city.

the neigbouring city has certain values and principles that they had a need to uphold to. for generations they had never back down a challenge of a mass duel. so they accepted the antagonist call for war.

both cities met on a rice field. both equally numbered. chanting verses aloud, claiming supremecy. with swords at hand they charge. 1000 vs 1000. clashing in about 55 seconds.

a group of monks suddenly appear between them. they walk slowly, palm facing palm of their own. their heads bow down. very peacefully they walk. in between chaos. they exude order and peace. without a word or exxagerated movement they showed. a symbol of truth.

the war ended. 55 seconds did not happen. the two cities retreated. the antogonist city realise that TRUTH has no room for vengence whereas the neighbouring city, that although they had never back down a challenge realise that for generations that had fight againts their own cause. and because they always accepted a mass duel from others it in turn bacame, and they conclude, that they had accepted in upholding someone elses cause. the truth was forgotten than.

so where is truth?

it's not in peace or war
it's not in chaos or order
it's not in love or hate
it's not in fighting or hiding
it's not in replying or not replying
it's not in you or me

so where is it?

truth is our existence
truth is in living
truth is about growing
truth is in the is-ness of everything
truth is in the is-ness of nothing
truth is in truth

be in the moment and you can see it

my balls are itchy

i am sleepy

just recover from stomach flu (again)

steve lawler at zouk tonight

above and beyond tomorrow at zouk

i need to stop saying that life is miserable
(money makes life miserable)

my bar manager gave me a $6 hang bao yesterday

kathi wants to be an engineer

mez wants to kill people

song is on a shopping spree

nadiah is waiting in anticipation for her developement in education

i ate my room mates koko crunch

i haven't seen my ma and paps in about 3 months

dubai thing is probably off for the mean time

gudang garam makes me sick

i need to go catch a movie

i think febuary is the time when i have my period

i need to buy more towels

my eye brow is bleeding because of my peircing

i need to buy toothpaste

usa is going into recession

the world's stock market is tumbling

and finally, i am sick and tired of being sick and tired and i feel like having some swedish meatballs

just had supper at bedok south with kathi and mez. the official score now is like bedok south 1, bendemeer 3 and moet chandon lounge 39.5.

anyway mez gave a little feedback that i've been blogging to much about brother
Japanese which i than told him that it's not that i'm advertising brother J's incapabilities, it's just that he is a great example of bad leadership. so after i said that i started thinking. why this obsession with the bad and the good of leadership?

than i started to get piss. that's the think about me, when i go deep in thought, i'll automatically start rationalizing, contemplating, pondering and repeating the cycles with pictures painted in still like motion. it than starts to get real than in a few seconds from words that passes through my ears which is than filter through my mind it suddenly becomes a movie in my head.

so instead of telling what i'm thinking about, i'm actually telling what i'm seeing.

now leadership to me is a very sacred thing. if you call yourself a leader you better be a leader. what got me piss is that at this era, or in my world to say the least, there's so many lacks in the quality of leadership that i see. i dare say that i'm not an expert on what makes a good leader but c'mon, responsibility, ownership, sincerity and love is what gets the people's vote.

why i need to raise the importance of good leadership is simple really. if you are a leader of man and you don't have the right qualities and still wanting to be in the position of power than may i, as the voice of the people, label you a murderer of mind?
have you have no idea that you are making us suffer without knowing it?
now the sentence; "without knowing it", is just fucking irresponsible and down-right stupid.

to those who are in the position of power, it is easy to scream at your people thinking it's discipline but you end up hurting them so badly that they create labels for themselves thinking that they are useless or otherwise. just because you had a bad day doesn't mean everyone else have to get it as well.

i'm saying all this not only in my line of work but also in parenting as well. i guess the real reason why i pay such paticular attention to leadership may be cause by the way i was brought up by my mom and dad. i saw the worse and the best in parenting from the both of them and if the balance was off just by a millimetre i might end up either in jail for killing someone or end up being a village idiot.

at the end i turn up to be a person who is capable of killing anyone who gives up on village idiots for the wrong reasons. don't give up on them. nurture them, love them but if they betray you or worse when they betray themself. than only will i one day allow myself to destroy them. not even an inch will i leave for the vultures of death.

if you were to read the last sentence over and over again like a mantra you might think that i'm no different than a bad leader. for who am i to make right on something as subjective as judgement? but i didn't say i was a leader, i was merely making my opinion in written words and to those who knows me in spoken words. cause i'm not a leader. i'm the people's bartender a bi-product of a hopeful revolution.

most leaders choose to lead with reality
and some, only a rare few
chooses to lead to lead with the truth

song's 17 birthday at pure(mos)

emperor of the silent cries

i am the emperor of the silent cries
i stand trial to the crime that i didn't do
and to the offence that i didn't commit
but with the methyr faith inside of me
i shall prevail,
i shall prevail as the emperor of the silent cries

like watching a lady cry
over the death of her new born baby boy
like a bystander i tried
to stretch out my hand and comfort her

"WHY!!" she questioned
"Why is fate doing this??"
"Why not take my life but his??"

all night her suffering i felt
all night

the next day she blew out her misery

like a candle as to her faded life
like the wind as to a bladed knife

Cause he's a.....

A man once came up to me,
and he was an arrogant man for sure
but the more i knew him
the more i realised i was being immature

not that i had an immature JUDGEMENT of him
but immature, for i had wrongly defined the ARROGANCE in him

cause he's a.....

he was beyond any written word
written on any given Monday
vocal by any given speech
spoken on any given Sunday

cause he's a.....

he was like a little boy
boasting to his friends about his two little sweets
given to him by the pavement
and exaggerated that it tasted as pure as the milk
from his mom's two little tits

he was like a commander
celebrating the surrender
of a town he had conquered.
but with guards made up of cows?
"Sure!", you start to ponder

laughing at men who use two hands to work
as he only had to use one hand to squirt
mocking the men's idea to evolve and be involved
and saying that only his ideas are in the centre
of where the universe revolves

cause he's a.....

fuck he even feels that he has the right
to reject ideologies. ideologies;
for the intention of good,
for that regression should stop,
for the progression of honesty,
and even,he even in the word that i can't describe
rejects ideologies from
the great intervention of god

cause he's a.....
if he was that great
why did we not only fall, but, fall in grace
smiling, as though we had failed
sent to the gutters; innocent, refusing bail
all this so that freedom might prevail?

if he was that great
why is it then, when the tsunami came
we stab his back so that it looks like an accidental death
knowing that we will eventually be dead as well?
were we at peace?

if he was that great
why then did we not feel
that we were great as well?

if he was so great
than why the fuck would i feel nothing
by showing him this (middle finger)
cause guys, fuckhe's just a god created waste when he messes with
our this (points to the head)
and our this (points to the heart)

and why?

because he is a fucking human being